• sydelle

bostyn's birthday: the best & worst day of our lives

The sun rises every morning and it sets every night, your reality is ticking just as the clock does.

Labor and delivery when you are told your baby has died is extremely traumatizing. Ok....you told me that my world has been shattered that my heart has literally been taken and now I have to endure labor and deliver her into a world she will never know, she only knew the safety of my body, the warmth of me, I was her only world, her only home. How scary. We were terrified. But at the same time like any parent you just want to hold them, touch them, see what they look like, study their every inch. Labor when you are told your baby died there are no “breaks” in between contractions, there are no “resting” when you can, the emotional trauma of what you’re enduring and about to endure does not provide such comfort in contrary to a live birth. It is so exhausting, so blurry. Bostyn Evearly was born so peacefully at 12:20 2/13/19. The silence of our room was overpowering, the only thing we heard was our cries, our midwifes cries and our nurses cries. She was so silent. She was beautiful, she laid on my chest, warm and in that moment I fell absolutely in love. When you meet your baby, even if they die it is the same proud, udder love as if she was alive. We studied her, we kissed her we said how cute she was. We got to sleep with her, and dress her and wrap her up and be with her for such sweet hours. When your baby dies a part of you died. I just endured having a baby, But we walked out of the hospital empty 48 hours after checking in as the car service worker said “congratulations.” If only he knew. The first few weeks I was bedridden, I did not move, shower, eat, brush my teeth. Silence was so loud, my brain was a mess, my thoughts were so scattered so scary so emotion provoking. I lost all my pregnancy weight plus an additional 12lbs, emotionally sick, raw and uncontrolled. Sleep was nonexistent waking up in panics that I was asleep onmy stomach and remembering ‘Oh yeah, I am no longer pregnant,’ staying awake in the middle of the night just wishing a baby would cry next to me, not falling asleep being so terrified I would wake up, or hating waking up and knowing the story was all true. No one tells you that your milk coming in is extremely painful when you don’t get relief, and you have to pump and dump breast milk down the drain. no one tells you that phantom kicks happen and you think your baby is still alive in your body, no one tells you that you physically feel empty, and alone. No one warns you how much you want to just be with her, no one tells you how scary it is to think of your life without a baby you never get to raise. Life is forever changed, you are forever changed, you will never be the same. You may never enjoy what you did before, or have the ability to laugh the same way, you may lose friends and only gain a tribe of loss moms, you will be forever changed. You are a mom to an angel, no one knows what that is like unless you have walked that murky water searching for the sunshine.

Remember even if your baby isn’t with all of us, you have a birth story, we would love to hear it! What was your biggest fear during your delivery day? Do you remember the early days? What were they like? What was your toughest part recovering from delivery aside from the emotional part?

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