• sydelle

the story before the story

I just knew.

Miscarriage is and always will be such a hard thing to admit... “I have suffered a miscarriage.” It is so different for everyone, wether it was a week after your positive pregnancy test, or after seeing the heartbeat at your 8wk appt or after you announced your pregnancy after what’s supposed to be the “danger zone” of the first trimester. Miscarriage.....Such a sense of loss of control within yourself. Like getting onto a plane as you pass by the pilots cockpit, I mean in all reality you have zero control of yourself, you just know you want to go on vacation, the pilot is in control of.... if you get there. Started spotting at 6wks not thinking much of it, implantation, sex, or just a “normal” response to a new pregnancy. The morning of 6wk 4days there was more, and I just knew, went to work and by the time I got there cramping like I have never had started. Leaving work terrified as I bled. I knew this baby was no more, how could it be, I knew that I was miscarrying.... how....I just found out 2 weeks ago, and was so excited, our due date was Christmas that year and I thought it would be so fun having a baby close to my husbands birthday. How is it already over. Blood work confirmed. Miscarriage makes you feel so out of control, how did my body fail me, didn’t it know that I wanted everything to be okay. That all I knew was that plane was taking me to the vacation I wanted to be on. How am I just not pregnant anymore. It feels so unfair. How am I going to tell those know who knew that I already lost the baby, or those who didn’t know that this is what I’m going through now. Miscarriage comes with no warning, your body knows before your mind. That loss of control that you couldn’t have stopped it, you couldn’t have saved it, you couldn’t have it be a changed outcome. How vulnerable to be so hurt by your own body. Just know, you will forgive yourself. You will smile again, there is hope, you did rest enough, you did eat healthy enough, you forgetting your prenatal for 5 whole days did not cause this. Most importantly, you feel so entirely alone in grieving your baby that never grew to be, but you are not alone. That pilot stole the vacation from you.

Thinking that the bad cards had already been dealt, and your dream would finally come true.....our rainbow only started another storm.

What emotions did you feel after your miscarriage? Did you miscarry on your own or have to have a procedure? Was your miscarriage your first pregnancy or what birth order?

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